i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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