Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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