if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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