She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
last night I used snow as a chaser
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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