Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
