I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
