Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
