pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
