Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
