Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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