$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
