I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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