What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
