I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
