We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
