OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
