I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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