You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
