My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
