Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
