oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
