hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize