I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
