Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
