I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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