apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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