Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
