I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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