Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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