Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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