Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
