im six kinds of drunk right now
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
