you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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