How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
