The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize