i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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