Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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