Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
