I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
