I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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