he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
