I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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