apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize