sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
