remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
