Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
