forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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