Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
