Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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