life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
even my farts smell like vagina
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
