there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
