Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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