I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
