I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
