Banned from zoo.
Again?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
