NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
