a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
