Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
